Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
