he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
