I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
