i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
