i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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