I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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