Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
