how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
