Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
