Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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