I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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