come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
