having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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