I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
