ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
