We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
