I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
