Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
