M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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