I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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