I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
