Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
