video games are the ultimate cock blocker
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize