So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
