Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
