My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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