Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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