3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
