God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
