Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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