I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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