i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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