the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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