You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
