We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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