He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
