I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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