don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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