can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
