Can Purell be used as lube?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
We left an ass print on the piano.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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