the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
