Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
