I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
