Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I need water and some morals
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
