You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
