So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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