Well douche your snatch and let's go!
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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