When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
