I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Sober January is a disaster.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
