you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
