I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
