as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
My bed smells like the plague
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
