Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
