So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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