then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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