all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Ladies don't puke and tell
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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